What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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