i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
