Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
