girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
