Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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