First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
