just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
