I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm way too hungover for life right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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