kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
