Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
