I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
