Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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