She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
