my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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