On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
