I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
