What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
