K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
