2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
