I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
