smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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