Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
