im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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