stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize