I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
