All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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