No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
