planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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