my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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