im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize