Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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