Ketchup is God's man juice
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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