if i can run in heels then i can drive
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
