today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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