When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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