I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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