I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
