apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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