I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
