How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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