I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am mentally ready for anal.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
