Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
