the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
