Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
