The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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