moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize