this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
