Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
