I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
