I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
