I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
