she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
