Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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