You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
