She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
