I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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