Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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