I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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