Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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