so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize