Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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