if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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